I've been trying to think of the things that I HAVE to do, the things that I SHOULD do, and all those many things I WANT to do, to organize myself and not get overwhelmed. Again, I don't know how working moms do it? So here is my basic list:
HAVE TO: Work, work overtime, clean, wash, make healthy meals, pay the bills, run errands, church callings (including talking this last Sunday at church- I could make 5 other posts that describe how much I truly HATE speaking in church, but that can be another day). This list doesn't seam all that long, but in reality this stuff takes up 90% of my time, makes me exhausted enough that I don't know if I can get up the strength to go on to other items below.
SHOULD DO: Work out for an hour a day, read more, research fertility treatments, research adoption, volunteer, visit with family, date my husband, help Jeff with his "new" job, get a hair cut, wake up earlier so I look presentable everyday, have a pedicure, have family home evening every Monday, make weekly meal plans, clean the grout in the kitchen, etc.
WANT TO: Basically everything on my 30x30 list and I think I've added like 5 more things to that list since I created it in November (fix the plaster on the stairs, paint strips in the downstairs bathroom, make a new ottoman/coffeetable, granite for the kitchen, new 'grown up' dishes). I also want to just sit on my couch and watch TV or a movie. I want to update my Ipod, I want to update and fix our whole house, I want a dog, I want, I want, I want. Basically this list never ends.
And when I sit and think of all this stuff I have to do, I should be doing, and that I want, I am still overwhelmed. I guess this is part of being an adult. I guess the worry and sleepless nights and feeling inadequate are just part of life. But you know what? I'm done. I am DONE with it! Fini! Geschehen!
Every year I make a mantra for the year, kind of my own small way of doing a resolution. Last year I consistently tried to console myself with the mantra of "Lighten' Up" because I am always so worried and serious. It did help, sometimes. When I was being taken over by "stuff" to let myself know it wasn't the end and I should just get over it. I even lightened my hair as a physical reminder to be more care free. This year I was thinking that I may need to make a mantra like "Make it Simple," or something else consoling, but in the end I decided to just . . .
I NEED TO do what makes me happy and stop worrying about all this "stuff". I don't need to worry if I am always on target, always my best self, I should just be myself. I think if I just follow my passions and desire that I will be a more interesting and better person.
So many times my natural man, or the man of the world, takes over my body and mind. But if I can just be true to me and, for instance, read a geology book if I want and not worry that it's the most important of books, or the best use of my time, but just because I think it is interesting and enjoy doing it. If I take a cooking class because I think it sounds like fun and not because I am ashamed that I am not as a good of a cook as so and so. This is my goal. Find what brings me joy.