Last minute MENS gift advice

I saw this column on one of the blogs I read. It is hiarious and very true. For anyone that is newly married (or at least still feels that way) and still struggles and what to get your husband for Christmas- this guy has some good advice.

Jeff and I always joke that his maturity age when we met was at about 8 or 9. Since we got married, we thought he is at least 14 or 15 by now. I'm sad to know, that in actuality, he may still be only 4. *sigh*

Kirby: A guide to great guy gifts
By Robert Kirby

Tribune Columnist

Updated: 12/15/2009 11:31:51 AM MST

If you haven't finished (or even started) Christmas shopping for the man in your life, I am just in time. This column could save you from living with the world's largest 4-year-old.
NOTE: I'm not kidding. In his heart of hearts, every guy is 4 years old. Five tops.

Anyway, the only thing that makes a guy sulk worse than not getting what he wants for Christmas is getting what a woman thinks he should have instead.
For the record, this includes any item in the following four boring Christmas gift groups: neckties, grooming, pajamas and self-help books.

On the bright side, shopping for men is relatively easy. Compared with shopping for women, it's no more complicated than getting something for the family dog or even just a stray.
Sadly, some women still manage to mess it up. Every year right after Christmas, you see men standing in line waiting to exchange nose trimmers, slippers and bulk deodorant. On their faces are looks grim enough to sterilize livestock at a glance.

A good example of this would be the year my wife got me a bathrobe for Christmas. For the record, it was not something I wanted, needed or had even asked for.
She got me a bathrobe for herself, or rather her own peace of mind. She was tired of me walking around the house, answering the door and going outside to get the newspaper in my underwear.
It was a nice bathrobe, velour with matching slippers. I took it back and exchanged it for thevideo "Kung Fu Monkeys, Volume Four" and a blow gun. With the money left over, I got a pizza on the way home.

So, what do men want for Christmas? Since you asked (or simply read this far), it's basically, anything you don't want him to have because it's a.) too expensive, b.) totally ridiculous, c.) almost certainly dangerous, and/or d.) socially disturbing.
However, if you're an understanding woman, or simply don't feel like having Christmas ruined by prolonged shouting from the garage, you'll get it for him anyway.

If you are shopping blind this Christmas, meaning that your guy hasn't specifically asked for something, or already bought it, you'll do well with any of the following:
» You can't go wrong with anything in the projectile category. While this generally refers to firearms, slingshots and crossbows, it also can be extended to cover artillery, rocketry and even catapults.

» Also appreciated by men Christmas morning are gifts that -- either by design or deliberate misuse -- can be made to explode. In this category are fireworks, surplus military ordnance, small engines and anything labeled: "Contents Under Pressure."

» While it's understood that many men can read, it's wise to avoid giving them books as gifts, particularly books having to do with relationships, child psychology, the feminine mystique, cats and any emotion other than raucous laughter.

It's almost impossible to go wrong with food, but people still try. In general, a guy would rather have a ham than a box of truffles. Whatever you get, make sure it's jerked, peppered, smoked and gastronomically irritating.

Want to give your guy an item of apparel that he won't take back? Get something that fits you and is see-through. Find it with his favorite sports team logo on it and it'll be the best Christmas he ever had.

Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com